I read earlier today, while the kids were napping. It was better for my sleep schedule but for some reason the extra time to meditate did not help in the terrible mood I was in this evening. Anger. It seeped out of me in what I said, how I looked, what I did. I was mad. The kids were noisy and messy, rude and demanding. I felt very entitled to have them and my house be different. JUST ONCE can I please have my house the way I want it and my kids act the way they should????? No, because what I have is better then what I deserve. My life goes far better then it should. Things go my way much more then they ought. Grace abounds in my life. Of course an hour ago those thoughts just made me even more angry and I write them now to remind myself of their truth.
Tommy sent me a blog today and I want to encourage you to read it. I usually love when he does that and I loved it this morning and this afternoon but as the evening wore on the thought of having to be diligent and persevere seemed more like a trap then an encouragement. A trap because I cannot do it. I kept failing moment after moment after moment. Mumbling under my breath about how much I hated dishes and the fact that my floor is always dirty. Impatiently shoving my kids under the shower and washing their hair, indifferent to their screams of protest. I even went out into the hall, stamping my feet, gritting my teeth and repeating, "help me, help me, help me" because, that is the point after all....I can't do it, I need Jesus. It made me think of this little story about needing 1,000 points to enter heaven. As the man rattles off the numerous good works he has accomplished over his lifetime Peter brings the grand total to 1 point. In frustration he blurts out, "Good Lord, have mercy" and immediately Peter opens wide the gates.
It really is more simple then I make it out to be. It is not "do more, try harder" but believe.
"Whoever believes in him is not condemned..." John 3:18
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