Another migraine today. Of course this had to happen on a day that Tommy was on the other side of the country. I don't mean that sarcastically either. I have been praying for God to allow me to see everything as a blessing from Him. This was another opportunity for that. To trust Him at His Word, that this was working for my good and His glory. It was very much a process.
Anger: why today Lord? Nothing is going to get done, in fact the house will be destroyed all while I lie in on the couch in the fetal position trying not to vomit.
Guilt: I am a failure of a mother today. I am allowing my kids to indulge on electronic entertainment and unkind, selfish behavior.
Fear: What should I do? How do I demonstrate trust in Christ through this? Do I get up and push through it? Carrying a trash can to throw up into and crying as I keep on keeping on? What do I do?
Defeat: Who cares? It doesn't matter anyway. I am a failure, a sinner and Christ's blood covers this just as much as it covers all the other crap I pull...it doesn't really matter what I do.
All these thoughts and more kept going through my head as I tried to relieve my pain with sleep, medication, chiropractic care, mind over matter, more water, less sugar...whatever I could think of. I admit that when I couldn't sleep because of the pain I picked up the Bible because I didn't know what else to do and I wanted to "do" something that would make God see that I trusted Him and then He would help me.
That is where the cycle ended. It wasn't magic or instant relief but I was reminded of the truth about faith...it is not something to "do". It is not a question of whether I trust God enough and prove to Him that I am working really hard at my faith during this time of suffering. The question was will I take Him at His Word or not? By God's grace the answer had to be yes.
No more did the dirty floor bother me. No more did I worry that I was scarring my children by letting them watch another show. I didn't fret about making it to the meeting I had. I even gave up trying to pretend it didn't hurt and that I could make it. I cried out (literally) for relief and then in faith, knowing God would do what was best, I fell asleep for 20 minutes.
When I woke I was operational. Not healed but operational but more importantly I was not overwhelmed with guilt, fear, anger or defeat. God is so good! It is amazing that something so simple can be so hard. It is a wonder that I fight so hard against what God has already given me. I am in awe of the wonder and peace that His Gospel brings. It is a mystery and a gift that I never want to stop being thankful for or lose my awe of. It was a hard day but God makes it good and full of His glory.
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