Oh man! This weekend was so painful and so good! Those two often go together in the Christian life. It was really amazing actually because God's work, His goodness, and His sovereignty were so evident in my life. I am still amazed.
Friday night was not so good. I had an idol. God put Tommy in the way of my idol. The scene that followed was ugly. The anger, fury and filth that came out of my heart because he was getting in the way of what I wanted, my desire is embarrassing and shameful. I watch my kids throw fits when I get in the way of their idols and I am shocked or annoyed or offended at the reaction. The tantrum of hot tears and throwing themselves on the floor or little hands balled up in fists and I have so little compassion...because they are not my idols. There I was throwing a tantrum that would rival the best.
The next morning as I wrestled with God, begging Him for help to see clearly (because at this point I did not realize the root of my problem) the tears kept coming. I sought wise counsel. I talked and talked with Tommy trying to work it out then this thought formulated in my mind: I feel like I sacrifice so much, my life is all about serving and giving and I want one thing, just one thing and that is the one thing God says, "you can't have that." As the words were coming out of my mouth I began deflating. This was my problem God was saying no and I was not happy about it.
It was a relief and the rest of the afternoon and evening went smoothly despite the puffy eyes and fatigue. For all my repentance and everything being back to normal there still was something missing. I couldn't put my finger on it until the next day, Sunday, when God blessed me with what was missing...purpose in the sacrifice.
Anna woke with a fever Sunday morning and we stayed home. With everyone gone and Anna sleeping I pulled up a sermon I had begun and never finished, "The Underestimated God." I began cleaning the living room and dining room while I re-listened to the first half. Then my work slowed as I realized God was doing with me the same thing he had done with Elijah. He was taking that thing that I wanted (good or bad), that idol and He was ruthlessly crushing it for my good and His glory. How can this be for my good? Because when all my idols are crushed then I will have nothing else but Him.
10 For a day in your courts is better
than a thousand elsewhere.
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of wickedness.
11 For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
the Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold
from those who walk uprightly.
12 O Lord of hosts,
blessed is the one who trusts in you! Psalm 84:10-12
I sat and wept with joy. This ruthless idol crushing was good! There was and is a purpose. God loves me and because of His love He cannot allow me to give my heart to anything or anyone else. I cannot say it better then Ligon Duncan and I urge you to listen to this message. If you have ever been disappointed or discouraged or had to make a sacrifice there is something here for you.
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