A few weeks ago I had a complete selfish, hormonally amplified, me-tantrum, worship service. It was ugly. Tears...lots of tears. I left the house, sat in the car and basically gave up all responsibility of my family for that evening. I took my Bible with me and read it. I cried out to God but really all I could say was that I knew I was wrong but didn't know why or what to do because all I wanted was____. After the kids went to bed, I went back into the house and tried to restore the relationship between Tommy and I. He wasn't buying it but I had calmed down enough to talk and listen and reason. I honestly don't remember what was being said until late into the conversation when I told him my one request. I only want ____. I pray that I will never forget what Tommy said next. He (very gently) said, "Helen, I can do that but it won't be enough. If you look at where your request goes...you're asking me to worship you."
I was broken. It hurt.
It was beautiful. I thank God for using Tommy to show me why my desires were so wrong, evil even. I thank Him that He opened my eyes to see and receive this truth and that through Grace, because of Jesus' sacrifice I could repent and be forgiven. I thank Him also for the resurrection of Christ so that I have hope that no matter how bad and ugly it gets here, this life, this struggle, this flesh is not the end. Glory is to come...glory that is Jesus Christ.
I am free. Free from the curse that condemns and free to worship GOD because I am enveloped into Christ, the vine. I don't have it all down though. That evening was just the beginning of God revealing ways in which I worship myself. I am sure He will continue, in His goodness, to reveal more ways, ways that I am completely blind to right now. Even tonight, I was convicted of being quick to judge and very ungracious deep in my heart to people that I didn't even know. I am curious what that is all about and plan to seek His wisdom about the root of that reaction. I pray that I will continue to fight for purity and righteousness, to not grow weary, to continue to trust Christ and be sensitive to the Holy Spirit...especially since I know there are many more issues and sins to peel away at, one painful, God-glorifying layer at a time.
As I try to decide how to end this there is only one thing I can think of...to the praise of His glorious grace! So here it is, Ephesians 1:3-14
3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, 4 even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love 5 he predestined us[b] for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, 6 to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. 7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, 8 which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight 9 making known[c] to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ 10 as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.
11 In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, 12 so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. 13 In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, 14 who is the guarantee[d] of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it,[e] to the praise of his glory.
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