The internal turmoil has been extreme while I run from here to there without time to breathe or during the long days of sitting in the house with sick kids and a naughty puppy who just wishes he could go out and play (too hot for him too). I have been fighting the urge to retreat into my head over the last few weeks. To dream of a different time in my life or even a different life that is far less stressful and much more simple and offers satisfaction and fulfillment without pain and sacrifice. It has been a struggle but I have been fighting. The battle came to a peak today.
Tommy sent his resume to a church in Warrenton, OR. I am sure that to most of you that does not mean anything but to me it was the temptation to take my desires for the future and make them my hope. To me it means childhood dreams coming true. It means family reunions and a steady stream of visitors. It means my little daydreams...my precious daydreams, may actually become reality. At least that is the lie I am tempted to cling to because of Warrenton, OR.
Warrenton is a small community on the Oregon coast, just north of where I spent summer days digging in the sand, jumping in the frigid waves, riding bikes, hiking trails, reading Archie comics, playing in tide pools and picking buckets full of blackberries. It is close enough for family, all my family, to visit in a days drive or less. The church is less then a mile from the ocean and a house with beach access is not out of the question in that town.
I have been obsessing since I heard about it. Distracted. Planning and hoping. Exercising my own sovereignty over my life and planning and scheming in my head. I have had trouble sleeping because of it. Why? I am putting my hope in Warrenton, OR and not in Christ. I have refused to pray about the whole thing because I know if I pray about it then I will have to surrender my desire, my precious, to Christs will for me and I just don't want to give up this dream. I have been ignoring his prodding to trust Him, to surrender to Him. I have been pushing away the guilt about not being interested in the people of the community, just the houses. It has been miserable.
So this afternoon while trying to take a nap with another sick child, I tearfully gave in. With the words of Psalm 55 simmering in my heart and mind, "Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved" and Psalm 37 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Trusting the goodness of God as told in Jeremiah 29, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." I confessed my desires, my dreams, my fears, and the lies I was believing and slept.
It was short sleep. Kids coughing and little video games beeping away came floating down the stairs but the peace of God that comes from presenting my requests to God has taken over the fear and anxiety that the future will be too much for me to handle because of how disappointing it is. The cause for anxiety, that He is not good and so what He brings in the future will not be good, has been addressed (for now) and I am confident that the satisfaction in Christ, is enough and His goodness in carrying out His plan for my future will continue to bring Him glory in my life as I face it...trusting and hoping in Him (not my precious!)