Tommy and I have started reading a book on marriage by Paul David Tripp called, "What Did You Expect?" Two chapters in and I am being very specifically challenged and not just in my relationship with Tommy but in my relationship with God. That is a good thing because as Dr. Tripp emphasizes horizontal relationships cannot be fixed or improved until the vertical relationship is right.
I will try to be more specific with how I am being challenged. I like things just-so. I try very hard to make things in my life conform to my will. I call it perfectionism. My desire for this "perfection" and drive to achieve it is becoming more and more evident in the last couple of weeks. Here is the problem. I am not perfect. I know that is a given, obvious and is very willingly admitted but I what exactly does that mean in my daily life? I am not perfect therefore my will, my deisre, my idea of "just-so" is not perfect either. When I have an issue, a frustration, a disagreement with how my day is progressing or how my children are acting or the weather or the traffic or...you get the point, then I have an issue with God's plan for my life in that moment. He is perfect. He is sovereign and He ordained my day, moment by moment. I cannot ordain my life no matter how hard I try.
I don't want to fight His will anymore. I tend to think that I am not fighting Him because I obey Him in "big" things like being a wife and a mom and being in ministry and not seeking after worldly things but I am realizing that while that is good, I fight Him constantly throughout my day. I complain about my nights sleep. I get militant and impatient when "the schedule" gets off. I am working out what this looks like in my heart on a daily basis. I know anger, frustration, defensiveness and impatience are not part of a heart submitted, moment by moment to the will of God. I want to be full of the Holy Spirit as Stephen was so that when my day, schedule, life is being demolished...large or small...I don't question or fight His perfect will but I worship and pray.
55 But he, full of the Holy Spirit, gazed into heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God. 56 And he said, “Behold, I see the heavens opened, and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God.” 57 But they cried out with a loud voice and stopped their ears and rushed together[b] at him. 58 Then they cast him out of the city and stoned him. And the witnesses laid down their garments at the feet of a young man named Saul. 59 And as they were stoning Stephen, he called out, “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.” 60 And falling to his knees he cried out with a loud voice, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them.” And when he had said this, he fell asleep. -Acts 7
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