Day 9

This morning I woke up full of selfishness. I was weepy and had no motivation to do anything. I wanted to play my computer games which I have not played since this journey began...not because they are wrong but because something has to go and they are last on the priority list. I didn't want to finish school with the kids. I wanted to take the kids to play at Chik-fil-a or find some spontaneous field trip. Some friends borrowed movies from us today and while I was looking for them I ran across all my other favorite movies and was overcome with the desire to let the kids run wild and watch a marathon of...whatever. I am not saying that those things are in themselves wrong but what I realized was the motivation for them, what was in my heart was very wrong.

I wanted to run away. I wanted to run away from my responsibilities, from God's calling on my life, from God Himself. Yes, the simple lack of motivation for daily activities was a rebellion of my heart against God. It is strange and awful at the same time how such a seemingly small thing, a little self indulgence, is rooted in rebellion. By the grace of God though, He granted me victory. I resisted the urge to clean (a distraction or band-aid I often use to make me feel better about myself and my choices, especially when I am running from God and His word) and resisted the urge to play and instead sat down and opened my Bible. Victory in Jesus!

I wish that I could say it was overflowing with encouragement and practical applications to what I was going through right then and I finished with joy and peace and bouquets of flowers in my heart but that would not be true. I am still working hard at training myself to look for Christ when I read the Scriptures and to see grace and to ask questions and seek the answers. I am working at training myself to study the Word. I can say however that God gave me time to journal my prayers, to clearly and specifically ask for wisdom on a decision that is very distracting to my soul. I can also say that somehow school was finished, the basement was partially picked up, I got to "run away" and let the kids play at the mall, watched a movie with my husband tonight and was not weepy or anxious all afternoon. I don't know how God makes the day more productive but I am grateful that He blesses when we put Him first.