Day 11

Corporate worship today. A Sermon from Revelation 1 on a Picture of God in Three Frames. Personal worship, back to Psalm 86, that started me off on this journey, "Incline your ear O Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy..." Evening service, prayer for the persecuted Church and an invitation to serve them.

God is amazing in how He works all things together for His glory. I am joyful to know that He chose me to redeem and purposed me with a work to further His kingdom.

What wondrous love is this, O my soul, O my soul!
What wondrous love is this, O my soul!
What wondrous love is this that caused the Lord of bliss
To bear the dreadful curse for my soul, for my soul,
To bear the dreadful curse for my soul.

When I was sinking down, sinking down, sinking down,
When I was sinking down, sinking down,
When I was sinking down beneath God’s righteous frown,
Christ laid aside His crown for my soul, for my soul,
Christ laid aside His crown for my soul.

To God and to the Lamb, I will sing, I will sing;
To God and to the Lamb, I will sing.
To God and to the Lamb Who is the great “I Am”;
While millions join the theme, I will sing, I will sing;
While millions join the theme, I will sing.

And when from death I’m free, I’ll sing on, I’ll sing on;
And when from death I’m free, I’ll sing on.
And when from death I’m free, I’ll sing and joyful be;
And through eternity, I’ll sing on, I’ll sing on;
 And through eternity, I’ll sing on. -Alexander Means

Day 10

Today I read Judges 4 and 5. Unfortunately it was rushed, not very quiet or focused but I did it. That in itself got me to thinking, pondering what I am doing again. On the one hand it is very good to persevere and keep going even when it is hard and less then ideal. I am building habits, forming a routine that is very important. There is nothing else that should be more regular, even vital to my day then time with God. On the other hand a routine is not the only reason why I should be doing this. My motivation needs to be love, adoration, worship...a desire to know God more intimately every time I open His word. This is something that I cannot fabricate or conjure up by trying hard. It is my prayer that God will change my heart to be a Mary and not a Martha. I am afraid that even in my efforts to be more like Mary I am going about it in a Martha way. Crazy huh?

Lord, help me to know you, see you and rejoice in you every time I open your word.

Day 9

This morning I woke up full of selfishness. I was weepy and had no motivation to do anything. I wanted to play my computer games which I have not played since this journey began...not because they are wrong but because something has to go and they are last on the priority list. I didn't want to finish school with the kids. I wanted to take the kids to play at Chik-fil-a or find some spontaneous field trip. Some friends borrowed movies from us today and while I was looking for them I ran across all my other favorite movies and was overcome with the desire to let the kids run wild and watch a marathon of...whatever. I am not saying that those things are in themselves wrong but what I realized was the motivation for them, what was in my heart was very wrong.

I wanted to run away. I wanted to run away from my responsibilities, from God's calling on my life, from God Himself. Yes, the simple lack of motivation for daily activities was a rebellion of my heart against God. It is strange and awful at the same time how such a seemingly small thing, a little self indulgence, is rooted in rebellion. By the grace of God though, He granted me victory. I resisted the urge to clean (a distraction or band-aid I often use to make me feel better about myself and my choices, especially when I am running from God and His word) and resisted the urge to play and instead sat down and opened my Bible. Victory in Jesus!

I wish that I could say it was overflowing with encouragement and practical applications to what I was going through right then and I finished with joy and peace and bouquets of flowers in my heart but that would not be true. I am still working hard at training myself to look for Christ when I read the Scriptures and to see grace and to ask questions and seek the answers. I am working at training myself to study the Word. I can say however that God gave me time to journal my prayers, to clearly and specifically ask for wisdom on a decision that is very distracting to my soul. I can also say that somehow school was finished, the basement was partially picked up, I got to "run away" and let the kids play at the mall, watched a movie with my husband tonight and was not weepy or anxious all afternoon. I don't know how God makes the day more productive but I am grateful that He blesses when we put Him first.

Day 8

I am off to my "accountability" group. I love these women and their honesty. We deal with true and raw sin and suffering and joys and grace and our responses to each. These women protect my privacy and love me through my sin as well as remind me of God's amazing grace. We don't really like the term "accountability group" we like to say we are a group that reminds each other to stop the tyranny of do more try harder and to return to grace, grace, God's grace.

Day 7

After the very taxing blog yesterday, I am exhausted. The day was spent reminding myself of what conclusions I had come to just last night. It is amazing how quickly sin comes to steal away the truth. The temptations were many to gossip, to indulge my anger again and to be prideful for the solution I had figured out. Praise be to Him who bought me and whose grace continually flows.

I am also very thankful for this blog as it helps me to solidify what God is doing in my heart. Being the mommy of five it is very easy to only think and ponder on subjects, ideas, convictions, God's word and to never actually form an opinion or take action. I read another blog today that helped me see how and why this exercise of writing every day is so beneficial.

• I find that there are three levels of clarity. When I only think about something, my thoughts are embryonic and muddled. When I speak about it, my thoughts become clearer, though not always. When I write about it, I jump to a new level of clarity. -Ed Welch

Until tomorrow...

Day 6

I have got to be honest. There are a few...ok there are a lot of people who have hurt me deeply, but there are a few that seem more difficult to forgive then others. Somehow there keep coming up situations or interactions reminding me of that pain. I would like to reconcile with them but for whatever reason they don't know they have hurt me or they are not in a position spiritually/emotionally to reconcile or we are not in contact anymore for unrelated reasons and the hurt just comes up in my heart and head from time to time, regardless the fact is it hurts and somehow I have to leave it at the cross.

These last few days I have been wondering how to tell you how I have solved this problem but the truth is, I haven't solved it. Let me clarify, I haven't solved it in a way that makes it all go away. I haven't figured out how to learn this lesson one time and never have to deal with this struggle again. I have been reading my Bible and searching for the "magic verse" that changes my heart, makes the pain go away and then I could share with you if you just read it and believe it will do the same for you. I haven't found that verse....because it doesn't exist. There is good news though! There is something better: judgment! That sin that so deeply hurt me, will be paid for! God promises that in Romans 6:23 when he says, "For the wages of sin is death..." That sin that so deeply hurt me, also hurt God and it was an offense so great to Him that someone will die. Whose death will pay for that sin? Either the persons, or Jesus Christs.

Now I could leave it there and this truth would be comforting for awhile but Romans 6:23 continues "...but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." Sometimes, the people who hurt me, who sin against me, are believers who have been given forgiveness from Christ. Here is where the vile confession comes: I want to rip that gift from them! I want to punish them and so say, "Jesus' death was enough for my sins, but should not be enough for yours."

Let that sink in for a moment.

It humbles me. That desire to take Christ's gift from them and instead cause them more pain reminds me that I am still a wretched sinner in need of grace. I am guilty too. My sin's wage is death too. I am not righteous, Christ is. I have been forgiven so much more then is being asked of me to forgive. Only when I am overwhelmed by the grace shown to me can I show grace to others.

Day 5

Forgiveness is such a painful thing. I am so grateful that Christ took my punishment and forgave me so that I can say, "That person hurt me and I am angry but I have been forgiven, so I will plead with Christ to give me the ability to forgive them." More on forgiveness tomorrow.