Day 32

I love Sundays. We don't watch tv or listen to secular music on Sunday mornings. We eat cereal because it is a treat that the kids love and we want to make Sundays special, a time to look forward to, different, set apart, for the kids also. Then the rest of the morning is spent with the body, sitting under the proclaiming of God's Word. It makes for a less stressful afternoon, even when menus need to be planned and other children come to join our party. It also makes for a heart ready to hear more of God's Word.

This morning Pastor Martin described a beautiful picture of Jesus from Revelation 1:9-20. I wish the sermon was posted already because Pastor Martin did a masterful job of showing how this passage paints a picture of Jesus Christ as powerful, awesome, fearful, sovereign, and trustworthy. Then Jesus Christ reminds John that He is the One who has crushed death AND grants life. His victory is the power for a life of faith. It is the power for my life of faith. His death crushing sacrifice and resurrection is the power for loving, persevering, parenting, serving, giving, exhorting, living a set apart life...Jesus Christ's victory over death is the reason for life and hope.

Day 31

I read 1 Samuel 1 today and could only get through verse 8. Hannah was a woman who knew suffering. At the same time she was blessed to have a husband who loved her and took care of her. There were, probably many reasons for her to be thankful and yet she was unable to eat because of her suffering. I am looking forward to meditating more deeply on this because I often feel like I should be thankful and what God has given me should be enough but I am still sad even depressed because of my suffering. It is amazing how God's providence provides for what we need exactly when we need it. Truth about how God loved and worked in and through Ruth and Hannah. I am excited to dig deeper.

Day 30

I thought I would be ok after a little Truth reminding last night. I thought I would go to sleep and then in the morning it would be a new day and we could move on...but here we go again, drudging up deep pains and habitual wrong thinking. I am struggling with unbelief, mainly about God's specific love for me. I know what all the right answers are but there is still something I haven't given up yet. I'm not sure what it is or how this is all going to turn out. More prayer and Truth and counsel is needed. In all honesty more tears and pain are probably needed too.

My God is big enough though and I know He is not content to leave me where I am.

Here is a little encouragement from John Piper and some direction in what to pray for...for you and me.

Day 29

I read earlier today, while the kids were napping. It was better for my sleep schedule but for some reason the extra time to meditate did not help in the terrible mood I was in this evening. Anger. It seeped out of me in what I said, how I looked, what I did. I was mad. The kids were noisy and messy, rude and demanding. I felt very entitled to have them and my house be different. JUST ONCE can I please have my house the way I want it and my kids act the way they should????? No, because what I have is better then what I deserve. My life goes far better then it should. Things go my way much more then they ought. Grace abounds in my life. Of course an hour ago those thoughts just made me even more angry and I write them now to remind myself of their truth.

Tommy sent me a blog today and I want to encourage you to read it. I usually love when he does that and I loved it this morning and this afternoon but as the evening wore on the thought of having to be diligent and persevere seemed more like a trap then an encouragement. A trap because I cannot do it. I kept failing moment after moment after moment. Mumbling under my breath about how much I hated dishes and the fact that my floor is always dirty. Impatiently shoving my kids under the shower and washing their hair, indifferent to their screams of protest. I even went out into the hall, stamping my feet, gritting my teeth and repeating, "help me, help me, help me" because, that is the point after all....I can't do it, I need Jesus. It made me think of this little story about needing 1,000 points to enter heaven. As the man rattles off the numerous good works he has accomplished over his lifetime Peter brings the grand total to 1 point. In frustration he blurts out, "Good Lord, have mercy" and immediately Peter opens wide the gates.

It really is more simple then I make it out to be. It is not "do more, try harder" but believe.

"Whoever believes in him is not condemned..." John 3:18

Day 28

I really need to get back to doing this earlier in the day. I am a huge procrastinator but even tonight when I had determined in my head that the best thing to do would be to just go to bed (after all I am a Mommy with many demands on my time and I practically wasted my evening, I should get some sleep) I couldn't go a day without pursuing God in His Word. That is a gift, a miracle of God. I feel like it doesn't really count because I know that I would have felt guilty and wouldn't be able to sleep if I didn't read the Word and that was my motivation, not love. On the other hand, Praise God that I couldn't go a day without reading His Word even after I spent an hour under my husbands teaching. That is a supernatural change in me.

I am reading Ruth now. This is another grace from Judges. Ruth begins with, "In the days when the judges ruled..." Then follows an amazing story of grace and redemption. A hero who comes in and rescues a damsel in distress. So beautiful and so stirring because it is a shadow of Christ. I am the damsel hanging over the pit of Hell and He is my hero, rescuer who gives His life to redeem me. No wonder I love a self sacrificing, happy ending story like Ruth, it points to a love story more true then any man can make up.

Day 27

Today was difficult. I made my poor daughter feel very low about herself. As I was fussing about her messy room and making some comment about how she was having a hard time remembering what she was supposed to do she said, "It's okay Mommy, some day your life will be better and you won't have to pick up after me, because I will be a grown-up." I stopped in my tracks and repented, asking for her forgiveness. As always she forgave me very willingly, too willingly. It is another reminder of how God forgives. It cost Him everything yet if we only repent, He gives it. Quickly. Willingly.

With Christmas approaching I thought I would share this powerful and sweet and wonderful video as a reminder of why we celebrate...and why Tobie can forgive me so quickly and why God can forgive me.

Day 26

My head hurts and I am going to bed but before I do I will share a thought. While I was reading Psalm 102 and Acts 22 Tommy was listening to a lecture in the background. This is a professor at Yale who teaches a class on Hebrew Bible Literature. It is fascinating, glorious and infuriating all at the same time. She said something tonight that particularly caught my attention because of how true it is. In reference to the seeming inconsistencies of the Old Testament she said, "this is a record of a civil war between Israel and herself." How true is that? Paul brings this up specifically in the New Testament. A life of faith, pursuit of God and trust in Christ IS a lifelong civil war with oneself. Praise God that the outcome is secure!